Category Archives: *Facepalm*

Uganda: The Third Grader’s Government

For those not in the know, Uganda is in the midst of passing Anti-Homosexual legislation. The provision that’s getting the most attention involves the death penalty for the lavender set, but even without that, the bill is incredibly disturbing. Here’s a breakdown from Box Turtle Bulletin:

Clause By Clause With Uganda’s Anti-Homosexuality Bill:
Clauses 1 and 2:Anybody Can Be Gay Under the Law. The definition of what constitutes “homosexual act” is so broad that just about anyone can be convicted.
Clause 3: Anyone Can Be “Liable To Suffer Death”. And you don’t even have to be gay to be sent to the gallows.
Clause 4:Anyone Can “Attempt to Commit Homosexuality”. All you have to do is “attempt” to “touch” “any part of of the body” “with anything else” “through anything” in an act that does “not necessarily culminate in intercourse.”
Clauses 5, 6, 8, 9, and 10:How To Get Out Of Jail Free. The bill is written to openly encourage — and even pay — one partner to turn state’s evidence against another.
Clauses 7, 11, and 14:Straight People In The Crosshairs. Did you think they only wanted to jail gay people? They’re also targeting family members, doctors, lawyers, and even landlords.
Clause 12: Till Life Imprisonment Do You Part. And if you officiate a same-sex wedding, you’ll be imprisoned for up to three years. So much for religious freedom.
Clause 13:The Silencing of the Lambs. All advocacy — including suggesting that the law might be repealed — will land you in jail. With this clause, there will be no one left to defend anyone.
Clause 14:The Requirement Isn’t To Report Just Gay People To Police. It’s To Report Everyone. Look closely: the requirement is to report anyone who has violated any the bill’s clauses.
Clauses 16 and 17:The Extra-Territorially Long Arm of Ugandan Law. Think you’re safe if you leave the country? Think again.
Clause 18:We Don’t Need No Stinking Treaties. The bill not only violates several international treaties, it also turns the Ugandan constitution on its head.
Clauses 15 and 19: The Establishment Clauses For The Ugandan Inquisition. These clauses empower the Ethics and Integrity Minister to enforce all of the bill’s provisions. He’s already gotten a head start.

What does this remind you of?

Yep, that’s right! A third grader’s rules for freeze tag – an open ended set of rules that can be re-interpreted in anyway that benefits the cool kids and punishes the nerds, their friends, or anyone who you just feel like screwing with that afternoon.

There are things in the US that we need to work on to achieve equality for all, but it’s important to remember the circumstances human beings in other parts of the world are trapped in. So far the UN, the US, and plenty of other governments have told the Ugandan government to knock it the fuck off. But like petulant children on the playground they continue to move ahead.

Of course, I could be wrong, since we have esteemed Americans, supporters of  the right to life, supporting this law.

Tony Perkins, the man, the mystery, the prophet that makes us all look like schmucks.

Thanks to Towleroad for bringing this to my attention.

And now that I’ve done my public service for the day, I think I’ll have a margarita and not plan a trip to Kampala.

(Kampala is the capital of Uganda, dipshit. Seriously, what do you do all day? Watch re-runs of Two and Half Men?)

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Oh! That’s Where I Left It

According to this article* on MSN, Texas border patrol fond the following items on Nelly’s tourbus:

35 bags of heroine, Ziploc’d
1 bag of pot, small
1 loaded .45 calibre pistol

I think it’s obvious what went down here – a classic case of overpacking.

If you’re going to Texas, you need to have a gun. It’s the law. If you’re stopped by the police and don’t have one, the authorities will deport you… even if you were born here.

I’m sure this was the group’s first time packing heat, which is a stressful situation. So a little marijuana helps keeps the nerves in check. It was probably a choice between that or NyQuil, and Lord knows you shouldn’t operate heavy machinery on NyQuil.

And as we all know, pot is a gateway drug. So Neocons take note, 1 small bag of pot leads to exactly 36 Ziploc bags of heroine.

It’s a classic case. I mean, when I pack, I take four or five pairs of shoes. Maybe I’ll go running, or hiking, or clubbing, or to a Smack Attack Part-ay.

*The article notes that one of the other travelers on the tourbus admitted to all of these being his. Nelly and the rest of the crew are pure as the driven SNOW.

Move Over Chocolate and Peanut Butter, Zumba and Prostitution Are The New Power Couple

This is the most famous Zumba instructor on the planet.

I hear Donald Trump has already booked her for Season 10 to 25, but possibly 7 with good behavior.

Do you think the guys had to workout to get their diddle on?

If so, it’s not so much “prostitution” as it is “motivation”.

Instead of prosecution, maybe she should receive a Nobel Prize for solving the issue of growing obesity? Society always hates geniuses.

Of course, if she didn’t force them to workout first, then this is my idea and that prize money is mine, bitches.

I’m Looking Forward to the Oscar Meyer Weiner Sponsorship

This begs the question, “How DID they drill for this?”

This Person IS Allowed to Vote

In the Valley of Death, logic walked to meet his maker.

Ann Cootie Coulter Speaks, Masses Weep

I love this time of year, when there’s a holiday every week!

10/11 – National Coming Out Day

10/15 – National “Disown Your Son Day”

10/25 – National “Weenie Roast”

10/31 – Halloween!

I bet you thought I was going to insult Ann Coulter.

I don’t comment on Lizard People.

I find racism deplorable.

(check out GLAAD’s response to Ann at TowleRoad)

In 1980s Recaps

US News reports of a clash between skaters and police.

In additional, upcoming news reports.

  • A lost group of teenagers free an ancient pirate ship while simultaneously taking down a band of bank robbers.
  • Two teenage boys discover how to create life from a Barbie doll.
  • Ricardo Montalban got all up in William Shatner‘s grill.
  • A stunning, left at the altar, moment for the Prince of Florin.

Seriously, why do we even have ’80’s movies if we’re not going to learn from them?

So much for the no child left behind approach to education.

Pumpkin Spice Latte

Starbuck’s may have a shortage on Pumpkin Spice Lattes!

I’ve hesitated sharing this. When I first learned of it, two days ago, I shared the story with a coworker; we’re now on hour 53 of her sitting under her desk, rocking back and forth, whispering “This too shall pass.”

The apocalypse comes in many forms.

Slavery! It’s not just for the BDSM crowd anymore.

“If slavery were so God-awful, why didn’t Jesus or Paul condemn it, why was it in the Constitution and why wasn’t there a war before 1861? The South has always stood by the Constitution and limited government. When one attacks the Confederate Battle Flag, he is certainly denouncing these principles of government as well as Christianity.” –  GOP Arkansas state Rep. Roy Mauch, in a letter to a local newspaper. Think Progress notes that Mauch has been endorsed by the NRA.

Picked up from Joe.My.God

Since his beard is from 1847, why shouldn’t his political views be too?

So He’s NOT Against a Mother’s Right to Choose?

The damn Brady kids are in a shitload of trouble!

Charlie F*ckwad… I mean Fuqua

The maintenance of civil order in society rests on the foundation of family discipline. Therefore, a child who disrespects his parents must be permanently removed from society in a way that gives an example to all other children of the importance of respect for parents. The death penalty for rebellious children is not something to be taken lightly. The guidelines for administering the death penalty to rebellious children are given in Deut 21:18-21

I’m not sure Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the Huxtable kids, or most of the Disney Princesses will survive either.

Read more at Huffington Post.

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